


Insufficient Emotions

by Talonticus



Series: Other Talon legacy tales [6]
Category: Star Wars Legends: The Old Republic
Genre: Dialogue Heavy, Drama, F/F, Femslash February, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-16
Updated: 2017-02-16
Packaged: 2018-09-24 22:32:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,334
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9790049
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Talonticus/pseuds/Talonticus
Summary: Breaking hearts is not something Cipher Nine would claim is within her repertoire, but somehow, it tends to occur more than she would acknowledge. It hurts the most when it is someone she still cares for.





	

**Author's Note:**

> _Hey, Claire again. Got another Femslash February thing._   
>  _As the tags say, this one-shot focuses on Watcher Two and my female human Cipher Nine, Cierah Draconius. She's somewhere along[this page](http://creativebankruptcy.tumblr.com/swtor), if you want to see her appearance._
> 
> _Compared to the Smuggler fic I wrote yesterday, this one is within the "canon" of Cierah. If anyone has[read the fic](http://archiveofourown.org/works/7274830/chapters/16519102) I made with her last year, you should know she is technically already in a relationship at this time (with my BH, Jovana Vlasic). However, Cierah's stance on sexual companionship is...complicated. So is Jovana's, for that matter._

Cold. It’s the lack of warmth that she notices first when her sight stirs, and she eyes the empty space on the bed next to her. Not entirely surprising, as this has happened before during the few months that they’ve spent together, on and off. She will admit to some disappointment however, seeing how critical the time is right now and that it may be one of their last chances.  
Shara rolls around to get her back to the bed and tilts her head upwards somewhat, to survey the darkened room. Her eyes adjust quickly to it and eventually notices a sign she hadn’t been expecting – the clothes are still inside her room. Pushing the quilt away, she puts her feet to the floor and steps closer to the pile which lies strewn over the carpet. Despite throwing them off haphazardly, it seems the agent was somehow still capable of finding order within all that chaos. Shara would find it remarkable, if she hadn’t seen it happen in the past.

She grabs the white and grey-lined shirt on the ground and lifts it up to her nose, taking a careful sniff. Almost immediately, she gains flashbacks not just from the previous night, but other ones that they’ve spent together. She doesn’t quite know what’s with that perfume the agent uses – Shara is pretty sure it’s fairly cheap and far from the most enticing one. Was it all part of some sort of test, to see if she would be able to make the Watcher associate this kind of scent with her? In that case, she succeeded, even as silly as that is to consider.  
For now, Shara pushes her arm through one of the sleeves and puts it on. For the sake of decency, she should probably find more pieces, but she’s not on duty for another several hours.

As the door to the next room slides open, she doesn’t have to go far until she locates her companion. The kitchen is just slightly more illuminated, but not from within. It is the city lights outside which manage to shine through a nearby window, where the curtains have been pulled open. It’s not far from this location that she finds the owner of the shirt she’s wearing.  
Cierah stands with her arms crossed, her pale skin almost completely bare except for the maroon-colored bra and bottom that she’s wearing. Shara doesn’t know how she manages it, but somehow, her black hair can always be put up into a perfect ponytail that looks just slightly messy, to a point where the Watcher wonders if it’s somehow artificial. Seems like a silly thing to fabricate, but this Cipher is hard to read and always has been.

From her diagonal viewpoint of Cierah, Shara leans against the doorframe, putting her hands together as she remains in silence. They probably need to speak, but, for now, she doesn’t wish to ruin this moment.  
A year ago, she couldn’t have imagined that it would be with this woman that she’d get involved with, nor that they would successfully go through such a disaster scenario that their lives have been for the past several months. Despite it all, they’ve kept their weird relationship intact, even though she’s not really sure what they should call themselves. Girlfriends? Lovers? Friends with benefits? They’ve never been on a date or anything like it, but this has happened more than once. It hurts just to consider a classification.  
Shara doesn’t even know for certain what it is with Cierah that attracts her. She’s definitely good-looking, but she has a severely deficient sense of humor. There’s of course the analytical mindset, determination, and certainty in how she completes her goals, which Shara finds admirable, but she also questions how long the agent can keep that intact. Can her conscience survive in the future, during the questionable actions she will have to perform?

Her dwindling thoughts are interrupted by Cierah speaking up, without turning to look at her.  
“Enjoying the view?”

Shara lets her eyes wander down along the lovely shape before her, without giving away too much of her emotional state.  
“It is quite a sight.”

She thinks she can see a slight twitch of the Cipher’s lips, but it’s difficult to be sure.  
“Watch out so you don’t get trapped.”

As she has had enough of staring, Shara detaches herself from the frame and gradually walk over to stand behind Cierah, wrapping her arms around the agent. She places her hands on the Cipher’s hips, tilting her head down towards the left side of the neck, on the collarbone. They’re about the same height, so there’s no real difficulty in this process. Tenderly and deliberately, she places kisses along the smooth skin, working her way up towards the neck, very much trying to elicit a response. She doesn’t stop there, however, as she proceeds around the back of it, until she reaches the other collarbone. In the meantime, her hands stroke up and down along Cierah’s sides. The other woman merely stands there, closing her only organic eye as she tries to control her breathing. She’s never one to make much noise, except for a few quiet and yet pleasant gasps. It’s barely more than an audible emission of air.

“I thought you would’ve left already.”

Even though they’re alone, Shara’s voice is only slightly above a whisper and Cierah sees no point in disrupting this volume. They both prefer silence anyway.  
“I was going to, but…it wouldn’t have been fair.”

“Hasn’t stopped you before.”

“Today is different.”  
The gentle care and intimacy continues for only a short while, until she stops and leans her forehead against the back of Cierah’s head, nuzzling into the hair.  
“We need to talk, don’t we?”

Shara exhales briefly.  
“I wish we didn’t…”

The hands at Cierah’s hips has now stroked completely around her waist and the Cipher has moved her own hands down to envelop Shara’s.  
“You’ve found out about _her_ by now, haven’t you?”

Another thing that Shara wishes wouldn’t have been the case, even if she sort of realized there has to have been something.  
There had been rumors within the organization, that the current Cipher Nine had quite a few contacts in the underworld outside of imperial space and that she may have been involved with them for some time. No one had claimed anything concrete, nor revealed more than letting the rumors spread as they wished. The former Keeper, now Minister of Intelligence, never let anything slip either. There was no reason to speak about his agents’ private lives. They are free to do what they wish, even pursue romance with one another. However, romance was never what Cierah sought from Shara, and she now realizes why that was.

By gaining the position of Keeper, she was also given the privilege of looking through many of the personnel files that she previously hasn’t had access to. Nothing there was explicit, of course; they don’t make thorough investigations into these kinds of personal affairs, unless it is completely warranted and with Cierah, it hadn’t been necessary. Not yet, anyway.  
However, it seems that the former Keeper had still made it pretty clear what his assumptions had been and that he didn’t mind.

“I suppose I have, yes.”

Cierah opens her eye and looks out the window again, not shifting the position of her hands.  
“I…am sorry, for not telling you sooner. I know we have been close, but this seemed like such a fleeting matter, that I wasn’t certain whether it would last beyond once or twice.”  
Shara gives her no immediate response, as she simply remains still.  
“I can’t claim I was sure how to speak of it either. I mean, I sought companionship and you were very…tempting.”

Shara doesn’t know if she should take offense or feel complimented.  
“Were you ever going to pursue this?”

It is clear that she indicates what stands between them, whatever that actually is. Cierah lets the words drift in the air as she considers her own emotions.  
“I don’t really operate that way.”

Shara feels herself scowling as she sighs. She’s not angry, just disappointed. Perhaps more so in herself, than in anyone else.  
“I suppose I should have expected as much. I’ve always had difficulties with this sort of thing as well.”

She considers pulling away, but before she manages to do anything like it, Cierah shifts her direction while still remaining in Shara’s arms, and soon enough, they’re facing one another instead. She notices how the Watcher’s eyes are lowered, and therefore, Cierah puts a few fingers below her chin and tilts it up gently.  
“Just because I feel this way, it does not mean I don’t like you. In fact, I care for you quite a bit.”

Shara watches the grey organic eye, then the metallic eye patch. It’s a pretty good depiction of the ambiguity in this woman.  
“Just not as much.”

It’s not that she intends to punish the Cipher for anything in regard to this revelation. She simply wishes to make her understand.  
Cierah emits a short sigh, but otherwise doesn’t express much else. She always tends to look so unfazed, even in bed. Shara doesn’t know if it’s the implants or merely something specific with the agent. Cierah places a hand along the Watcher’s cheek, stroking it softly.  
“This has nothing to do with you, Watcher. You are a lovely woman, tremendously attractive and intelligent, one who I admire. I simply cannot…return your affection. I suppose, in a way, I am insufficient.”

They haven’t spoken of this so blatantly, but it has to be done. Shara does her best to shut off her emotions.  
“I’m not surprised. I know many see me as monotone and stale, only focused on effectiveness. It’s not without merit; I am not as lively as her.”

Leaving the position by her face, Cierah lets both of her hands drift down towards Shara’s, giving them a mild squeeze.  
“Don’t speak of yourself in that way. You deserve better. You are great in so many ways, Watcher and I do truly recognize that. Even if I cannot fully appreciate you, it does not mean that no one can.”

The praise does help a little bit to ease the inner pain, even though it’s clearly not enough.  
“I wish things could be different.”

“So do I, but I must go with my heart, which is something I should have realized long ago.”

“I know. Despite what I may wish and what I may feel, I understand that I cannot force this.”  
It hurts to say it, but she has to acknowledge the truth.  
“I suppose there is also the fact that my duty as a Keeper would push us apart anyway. Technically, I’m your superior now, and this likely wouldn’t work very well.”

Is she simply making excuses for the Cipher, or trying to rationalize the situation? Either way, it’s probably for the best.  
“I agree. It is unfortunate, but it is our reality.”

This would probably be an opportune time to separate themselves from each other and let them get on with their lives, but Shara can’t make herself go away just yet.  
She raises her arms, slipping them around the back of Cierah’s neck. The agent does not fight it – in fact, her own hands find a grip around Shara’s waist, as their gaze intensifies.  
“Nevertheless, I don’t want you to forget how I feel. If…if you change your mind, I am here. I’m not able to strip my emotions as easily.”

“I know.”

Shara tilts her head forward, giving Cierah signs of what she intends to do and lets the agent decide if she wants to pull back. She does not.  
Their lips connect, similarly to what they have done many times before, and the passion in each kiss is as evident and eager as it has ever been. She intends to deliver just one, but it quickly turns into two, three and many more than that. It would be a lie to say that she doesn’t hope this could convince the Cipher, but she knows it won’t. Passion is not love, even if she would want to claim otherwise. There’s no use in forcing things that won’t exist.

After they manage to finally stop, they remain in this position for a while longer, nudging their foreheads together, their lips just barely brushing in an enticing motion.  
When Shara finally opens her eyes again, she searches the grey one in front of her. It’s not the last time she will look at Cierah this way, but this close proximity will be something she must keep in her memories.  
“May I keep this, at least?”

Cierah’s eye drifts downwards as she notices how Shara is pulling at the top of the shirt – her shirt. It’s nothing special really, one she gained from her time in the military a few years back. It has stuck with her for a long while and she enjoys wearing it. Shara can get her own if she prefers, by simply talking to the correct suppliers. In this case, though, it has likely to do with the scent that surrounds it, rather than the appearance.  
“You may.”

Shara inclines her head in appreciation, placing one hand at Cierah’s right cheek and then tilts her head to put a gentle and yet yearning kiss at the left. Moments after, she turns on her heel, eyes set forward, and proceeds back into her bedroom. She lies down beneath the quilt again, letting the shirt remain on.

Cierah looks after her for a minute, then turns to watch the appearance of Kaas City below, for several more. Eventually, she departs, knowing she has done what she needed, to be able to move on. Within her mind, she cannot help but feel that she may have destroyed a sense of hope that she should never have created to begin with.

**Author's Note:**

> _"It's not you, it's me", right? Yeah, I know. At least here, Cierah actually meant it._   
>  _I didn't really want like, a huge emotional outburst between these two, as I don't think it suited the characters, which is why it was somewhat muted. Still, it was fun to finally write something for them, even if it was kinda uh, hurtful, I suppose._


End file.
